“Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light.” -Albus Dumbledore.
The past couple of weeks have been a chaotic jumble of stress and anxiety and overall general panic. Insecurities about being liked and overthinking about things a million times in my head almost drove me to insanity and quite frankly, it was hard to see past all of it. I’ve gotten kind of used to looking beyond stress and saying, “well okay, this sucks right now, but give it a few days, give it a week, and things will go back to normal and everything will be fine.” That’s kind of a mantra for me, I guess, if I had one. “Everything will be fine.” (side note: If you haven’t listened to “Details in The Fabric” by Jason Mraz, you really should) But I think sometimes that outlook onto the future and things getting better can get in the way of me feeling everything that I need to feel. Sometimes I can be really quick to avoid getting upset and avoid getting angry because I just want things to go back to normal, but in reality we need to feel the bad things in order to really get to the good things. Because if we don’t ever actually go through all of the bad feelings, they’re just gonna come back (probably at a really inconvenient time). So as painful as it might be, we have to face what we’re feeling and figure it out.
So this is what I’ve been feeling: I’ve been feeling scared and insecure and fragile. I’ve been feeling really small and alone and almost breathless at times. As much as I’ve been reminding myself that I can breath and I am actually breathing, I’ve felt like I just can’t. I’ve felt like I can’t move past all the bad and the hurt I’ve gone through and that none of it was ever going to go away.
And then Sunday came.
Sunday at 3:30am, a sense of clarity came. And a sense of indescribable joy and love for God just came over me. I genuinely don’t know what happened or how it happened, but it did. And suddenly, everything was fine. I’m not saying that all my fears just disappeared, but also they kind of did. This time last week, I was having a panic attack in the middle of a meeting and I felt so emotionally raw almost 24/7 and I hated every second of being awake. All I wanted to do was sleep. Maybe a light turned on, maybe something clicked and I didn’t realize it, but it’s a week later and my world feels 100% different. I realized that my happiness is not derived from one person and that my worth is not defined by my relationships. It’s like God just stepped in and said “you deserve so much more than this pain and I’m going to give it to you, you just have to be patient.” And while I typically struggle with being patient in life, I can say that right now I am genuinely so excited and so perfectly okay with waiting it out. The joy that’s to come, the future that God has in store for me, is going to be absolutely amazing.
So maybe that’s why I’ve been so happy the past few days. The leaves are changing and the weather is cooling down. My birthday is a week from today and the new Taylor Swift album is amazing. I know I have such supportive and loving friends that are with me no matter what and I couldn’t ask for anyone else to be by my side than those who are now. I have a comfortable bed to sleep in, classes that are going well, and I’m waking up every single day. Life is good. I’m seeing beauty in everything I look at and I’m not worrying about what’s next. No, I’m not happy all day everyday and I have my moments where I just want things to go back to the way they were, but looking back on the past few months and seeing where I am now, I know I’m better and I’m stronger and that life is still good. God is still good. And that’s all that matters.